Anger is something we can all relate to, isn't it? At some point or another, or maybe even daily, we experience anger. Anger is there, and there is no need to suppress or to deny it, as we would only be denying our own experiences. If we truly want to work on our anger, the first step would be to acknowledge it.
What exactly is anger and how do we deal with it? Why do we get angry? Anger is directly linked to our own unhappiness, our own suffering. What does this mean? Let's discuss!
We all have some desires or expectations which we want to have fulfilled, don't we? This could be physical desires, such as a car, a job, money. It can also be emotional desires, such as jealousy, the desire to be loved, or it can be more subtle things like the desire to attain realizations or insights. When our desires and expectations are not fulfilled, we experience unhappiness and suffering. This leads to anger. Think about this closely, how anger develops within us... Let's go into more detail.
Since there is a feeling of a separate 'me' or 'I' existing (an ego), there is also a feeling of wanting things to go 'my' way. Is this not true? We sometimes feel that the whole Universe must fall into place, to satisfy 'my' wishes or desires. We do this, and this can actually be unreasonable, or what do you think? When our wishes remain unfulfilled, we suffer from disappointment. This suffering, this internal pain or hurt, leads us to feel angry, and sometimes even expressing our anger.
We all have some desires or expectations which we want to have fulfilled, don't we? This could be physical desires, such as a car, a job, money. It can also be emotional desires, such as jealousy, the desire to be loved, or it can be more subtle things like the desire to attain realizations or insights. When our desires and expectations are not fulfilled, we experience unhappiness and suffering. This leads to anger. Think about this closely, how anger develops within us... Let's go into more detail.
Since there is a feeling of a separate 'me' or 'I' existing (an ego), there is also a feeling of wanting things to go 'my' way. Is this not true? We sometimes feel that the whole Universe must fall into place, to satisfy 'my' wishes or desires. We do this, and this can actually be unreasonable, or what do you think? When our wishes remain unfulfilled, we suffer from disappointment. This suffering, this internal pain or hurt, leads us to feel angry, and sometimes even expressing our anger.
Who are we blaming for our anger?
Now, consider the following fact that most of us may not have considered in the past. We are so quick to blame external factors for our anger. We say that we are angry, because of 'him', 'her', or 'it'. Is this not true? He did this, she said that, it happened like this... but is this the truth?
Are 'others' truly to blame for our anger, or do we actually have the power to decide whether we want to get angry or not? At first, we may not think so, but contemplate on this, and you'll see, this is absolutely true. Is it not our own expectations and desires that lead us to disappointment and anger? We solely decide which emotions we want to express, this is in our own hands.
One direct way to counter our anger would be to grow our levels of patience. Why so? Because the more patience we have, the more time we have to let go of an expectation or desire we are clinging to. Having patience, allows a bigger time period to act mindfully in a specific scenario, and more time to decide how we want to respond. Patience, how powerful!
Secondly, consider how we all just want to be happy. None of us want to be unhappy, do we? We base our actions of mind, body, and speech on attaining happiness for ourselves, sometimes we do it intentionally, sometimes less intentionally. Just as we behave in a certain way to attain happiness, so does everyone else. Deep down, we are all driven by the same wish - to be truly happy. Understanding this, we can act with more understanding and compassion towards our communities, societies, families, and friends.
Another option would be to transform this angry energy into going for a walk, exercising, doing art, or something that allows the energy to be transformed. Also, we usually feel better after a bit of distraction, when we shift our attention to something else. Yet again, we should never bottle up our anger, as we can simply 'burst' at the smallest irritations.
We may have seen how some people completely lose their temper over something extremely small. Things that one can not even imagine getting angry at, like the coffee not being warm enough, the food being too spicy or the traffic is too busy. This is due to suppressing, bottling up our anger, and having a lot of unfulfilled expectations.
Usually, after expressing our anger, we tend to suffer even more. Sadness overtakes us, we cry and suffer emotionally. This sadness and unhappiness all go back to the sadness we experienced when our desires were not fulfilled. See, how this creates a cycle?
In the end, we can clearly see that we cannot impute anger on anyone externally. Nobody has the power to 'make' us angry. We decide to be angry ourselves. Of course, we need to be reasonable. Our societies, workplaces, etc. may be very challenging from time to time, even when we strive towards living in harmony with each other.
We are fortunate to have been blessed with the skill to communicate. We can communicate and express ourselves in so many ways, and therefore we can respectfully express our concerns and feelings towards others when we feel that we are facing a situation that is not harmonious. When we respect our own feelings and the feelings of others, we are sure to find a middle-way that satisfies all parties, without the need to involve anger. Anger is never a solution.
To conclude, by being aware of our desires and by not having unrealistic expectations, or maybe even any expectations at all, we can be sure that we are allowing less space for unhappiness, suffering, and anger and making more space for happiness and peace. While it is not wrong to get angry, we need to ask ourselves if it is beneficial to get angry, or not? Of course, we can continue to transform our angry energy in creative ways, but we may want to consider understanding the source of our anger and cutting it by the roots. Thus, working directly with the causes of our pain and suffering.
We can either be bound by our anger for the rest of our lives and try to manage it skillfully, or we can free ourselves from it completely, by cultivating a mindset that is free of expectations and desires.
We can think of anger as being a red, hot, glowing coal. As long as we hold on to a coal, it burns us and brings tremendous pain and suffering, and it will carry on as long as we hold on to it. The moment we let go of it, the burning stops and we can allow the healing to begin.
One direct way to counter our anger would be to grow our levels of patience. Why so? Because the more patience we have, the more time we have to let go of an expectation or desire we are clinging to. Having patience, allows a bigger time period to act mindfully in a specific scenario, and more time to decide how we want to respond. Patience, how powerful!
Secondly, consider how we all just want to be happy. None of us want to be unhappy, do we? We base our actions of mind, body, and speech on attaining happiness for ourselves, sometimes we do it intentionally, sometimes less intentionally. Just as we behave in a certain way to attain happiness, so does everyone else. Deep down, we are all driven by the same wish - to be truly happy. Understanding this, we can act with more understanding and compassion towards our communities, societies, families, and friends.
Transforming our anger
Suppressing our anger is never a good solution. Yes, having the discipline to know when to let out our anger and when not, is very very important, but suppressing it can be very harmful to ourselves and others. This causes us to 'explode' at the smallest things. We take it out on our loved ones and end up saying really hurtful things to others, all of this when we are caught up in a huge wave of anger! We say things we regret afterward, and hopefully, our loved ones are understanding and can forgive us, but this is not always the case. Thus, we can learn to control and express our anger in different ways. We can keep a book where we express our anger in words, and destroy it afterward when we calm down. We can use a punching bag, screaming into a pillow in order to get rid of our anger, while harming nobody.Another option would be to transform this angry energy into going for a walk, exercising, doing art, or something that allows the energy to be transformed. Also, we usually feel better after a bit of distraction, when we shift our attention to something else. Yet again, we should never bottle up our anger, as we can simply 'burst' at the smallest irritations.
We may have seen how some people completely lose their temper over something extremely small. Things that one can not even imagine getting angry at, like the coffee not being warm enough, the food being too spicy or the traffic is too busy. This is due to suppressing, bottling up our anger, and having a lot of unfulfilled expectations.
Usually, after expressing our anger, we tend to suffer even more. Sadness overtakes us, we cry and suffer emotionally. This sadness and unhappiness all go back to the sadness we experienced when our desires were not fulfilled. See, how this creates a cycle?
In the end, we can clearly see that we cannot impute anger on anyone externally. Nobody has the power to 'make' us angry. We decide to be angry ourselves. Of course, we need to be reasonable. Our societies, workplaces, etc. may be very challenging from time to time, even when we strive towards living in harmony with each other.
We are fortunate to have been blessed with the skill to communicate. We can communicate and express ourselves in so many ways, and therefore we can respectfully express our concerns and feelings towards others when we feel that we are facing a situation that is not harmonious. When we respect our own feelings and the feelings of others, we are sure to find a middle-way that satisfies all parties, without the need to involve anger. Anger is never a solution.
To conclude, by being aware of our desires and by not having unrealistic expectations, or maybe even any expectations at all, we can be sure that we are allowing less space for unhappiness, suffering, and anger and making more space for happiness and peace. While it is not wrong to get angry, we need to ask ourselves if it is beneficial to get angry, or not? Of course, we can continue to transform our angry energy in creative ways, but we may want to consider understanding the source of our anger and cutting it by the roots. Thus, working directly with the causes of our pain and suffering.
We can either be bound by our anger for the rest of our lives and try to manage it skillfully, or we can free ourselves from it completely, by cultivating a mindset that is free of expectations and desires.
We can think of anger as being a red, hot, glowing coal. As long as we hold on to a coal, it burns us and brings tremendous pain and suffering, and it will carry on as long as we hold on to it. The moment we let go of it, the burning stops and we can allow the healing to begin.
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"As long as we hold on to a coal, it burns us and brings tremendous pain and suffering, and it will carry on as long as we hold on to it. The moment we let go of it, the burning stops and we can allow the healing to begin."
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Great article!!
ReplyDeleteVery well written!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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