Forgiveness (includes a guided meditation)

Let’s shed some light on the topic of forgiveness. 

What does this mean, and why shall we forgive? Who do we forgive? The person that did us harm, or ourselves, because we created this distorted opinion of the person who we feel brought us harm and unhappiness? 

Usually, when someone does something we feel unhappy with, when we are harmed or ‘done in’ in some way or another, whether physically or emotionally, we end up closing our hearts to the person who caused this and we feel that this is a really bad person, we wish for them to suffer terrible things, because of what they have done to us. We wish them harm, feel hatred, and cannot bear the idea of having to see them ever again. Does this sound more or less right? 

Think of how this starts… it starts as something small, at the moment or maybe after thinking about something that happened. We feel that a person really did us harm, and this feeling grows because we feed these ideas and emotions with more and more energy. We discuss this with others and they participate in the discussions, making what happened to feel even more real and even bigger and worse than it actually was. 

Does this sound familiar? Something happened to someone we know, they share it with us, and we feel that out of showing sympathy or understanding towards their situation, we also see all the negative aspects of the situation and end up making the ‘victim’ appear as an even bigger victim. As for the 'wrong-doer', we make this person appear even more bad and evil by imputing a bunch of nasty things and wishes upon them. 

So, when we suffer from other people’s actions, we feel victimized and we tend to hold something we call a ‘grudge’ against them. This would mean that we hold on to what they have done to us, we keep reminding ourselves how we suffered and we keep seeing this person as bad. So, this happens and we hold on to this feeling, idea, or perception we have. By clinging to these thoughts, we end up making ourselves miserable.

We keep repeating these thoughts of how someone harmed us, how we feel victimized. This consumes our mind, our emotions. It even starts to manifest physically in the forms of sickness and disease. This is not even the worst part of this. We start to live in this world where we feel victimized and we act suspiciously towards other people too, because of what happened to us. We see others and feel we cannot trust them, we cannot be open with them, because they may also hurt us and they may also make us suffer. People that are not even 'bad' people, just normal people around us like ourselves, we start to act cold towards them as we shut ourselves off because of the fear of being hurt again. In this situation, we feel vulnerable. 

Can we see that holding on to this anger or these thoughts of how someone did us wrong, is just like holding on to a lump of red hot coal? This coal makes us suffer extremely, but only for as long as we hold on to it. As soon as we let go of it, it stops burning us. It is the same when we do not forgive others – it just consumes us from inside, it steals all our happiness, and even makes the ones around us unhappy. How unfair is it towards others when we act cold and suspicious towards them, because of what happened to us in our past?  Even when we are with loved ones, our minds are wandering onto these thoughts and it steals our precious presence away from our loved ones, making them feel unsure or unhappy. Our own unhappiness causing others unhappiness. 

Spreading our insecurities

The author can share a perfect example of how this happened to him personally. He was working in the corporate sector, climbing the corporate ladder very quickly. Then, in the blink of an eye, his whole career was ruined due to the dishonesty of a colleague. He was beyond words, he was so angry at this person and he felt so hurt and betrayed. He felt like he never wanted to see this person again, he closed his heart towards this person and what happened to him haunted him for years. He couldn’t imagine ever forgiving this person. Whenever he thought of this person, a lot of anger and hatred would arise for what he believed they have done to him. 

After some time, the author got a new job, and in this job, he was very cold towards everyone that worked with him. He never smiled, he never made friends, and never wanted to open up towards others, because he feared being hurt again. He was still feeling vulnerable and he was imputing the idea he had of the person that he felt harmed him, on all these other people around him. Thinking about this now, this was such selfish behavior. Even the people who had really good intentions towards him, who opened their hearts towards him and who was really kind to him, he closed himself towards them too. Imagine how they must have felt? And can we see that if we do not forgive and have peace, how this ends up hurting and leaving others at unease too? We are so caught up in how ‘I’ feel, how ‘I’ am a victim, and how 'I' have been harmed, that we forget about others. It ends up just being about me. 

At this point, we should really start to consider opening our hearts to forgiveness. We can consider forgiveness to be a very brave act, because it takes a lot of courage to truly forgive and forget. Forgiveness takes time, it is nothing we can rush through just to experience the results. We cannot fake forgiveness. We may be false in forgiving and others may think or feel it is true, but we will still be suffering on the inside, so in this sense, forgiveness must truly come from the heart. It must be true and sincere, in order for us to truly heal. In order for us to truly forgive, we need to consider the following things. We need to understand our intentions. We need to understand that nobody is really a bad person, from their core. We need to understand the other person’s circumstances. 

Think about it like this, when someone harms or hurts us, do we even really know this person? Do we know their current situation or circumstances? Do we know what drove them to these acts? We may know a person for some days or weeks or months, but even then, we have no idea what history this person has, how much hurt this person has suffered from. However, we are so quick to judge. Do we think anyone that is really, truly happy and at peace will actually harm others? No, people that are really in peace and happiness will instead share their happiness and peace with others, not harm or hurt them. So, in this sense, we can know that when someone does hurtful actions, that this comes from a very unhappy state of mind, and thus we can actually start to be compassionate towards this person, as we know that this person is also unhappy. 

We just want to be happy

Just as we do not want to be unhappy, so does this person also not want to be unhappy. We all just want to be happy and at peace. We need to keep in mind that circumstances affect our behavior. 

This can easily be illustrated in these two examples. In one example, we just had a good morning where we heard from our work that we got a promotion. We are in a good mood. In the supermarket, someone accidentally bumps into us with a trolley. We laugh it off, wish them a good day, and walk on. In another scenario, we just had a terrible morning after losing a loved one or finding out we have a terrible sickness or lost our job. By accident, someone bumps into us, and we give them evil expressions, curse at them, or we or even do something nasty to them. We may even continue to think of this during the day and think of how bad it was, and this consumes our happiness all day. 

See, how our actions are conditioned by our state of mind and our circumstances? So we can again conclude that only an unhappy person will really want to hurt or harm others. It is also important to remember that we are not at our core all unhappy people. We are not born from unhappiness into more unhappiness.  

Further, we need to consider our perceptions, We may think someone did something bad or evil, when in fact this is only our perceptions. Perceptions are influenced by our culture, by our beliefs, how we were raised, and what we were exposed to. 

Everything we experience, how we perceive each experience all depends on our perception. In this way, we can then also keep in mind that it may not have been someone’s intention to harm or hurt us, it is just that we perceived their actions as bad or hurtful, and now we are making ourselves suffer from this. All of this, just due to our perceptions. Is this not terrible? Keeping the above mentioned in mind, we need to further think of the person that we feel harmed us or hurt us, in this way. When one of our close friends or loved ones or even ourselves do things that hurt others, we tend to protect ourselves or our loved ones. We may say that this person just had a bad day, but they are actually good people. We may protect ourselves by saying yeah, we were just not feeling well and therefore we lost our temper on someone else, but we feel that we are actually very good people in general. We may even then mention all the good deeds we have done in the past, in order to convince ourselves and others that we are actually decent human beings. 

So, the same as for the one that we feel hurt or harmed us. This person also has people that feel it is a good person, that feels it is just someone having a bad time. It is also someone’s son or daughter, someone’s father. Just as we are. Just as we feel we can justify our behavior by our conditions and circumstances, so does this person feel too. Just as our loved ones will protect us when we did something bad, exactly so will this person’s loved ones also want to protect them. And, if they have no loved ones to defend them, well think of how sad that actually will be? In this way, we can open our hearts even bigger towards this person, being even more compassionate and understanding towards their behavior. We also need to understand that people change, their conditions change. 

Things are changing, all the time. Our minds, our bodies, our thoughts, the weather, absolutely everything in this realm of existence is bound to time and space, and this means that things change. So, just as some people used to be happy and in peace, their conditions may have changed and this may have caused them to act differently, to hurt and harm others because of their own unhappiness. Someone we used to enjoy spending time with may end up hurting us so much that we can not stand seeing them anymore. 

The same with a person that harms us now. This person's conditions may change, this person may find peace and actually regret their past actions and turn out to be a very pleasant person, a very joyful and happy, loving person.

We can also think of ourselves, how at times we have been terribly sad at the loss of a loved one or after being diagnosed with a terrible sickness. At this point, everything just seems negative, and like we can never be happy again. The same with when we experience an extremely good time, we are so happy and joyful, that we feel this whole world is just ‘right’. Think of how both of these experiences what we may call ‘good’ and ‘bad’ will influence our mindset and behavior, and how this will also change with time. See, in the same way, this ‘bad’ person that harmed us, is also just another person, just like us. This person was also carried with love in their mother’s wombs, was also fed and cared for with love and care, also expressed love and care towards others. 

However, somewhere along the line, this person got hurt and they started to close their hearts towards others and to act in harmful ways. Never forget, this person is also just seeking to be truly happy, this person is also a miracle from God, also has emotions, wants love and peace. This person is actually just like us in every single way. 

Now, with all of this in mind, understanding why people act in certain ways and understanding how we perceive things, also keeping in mind that how, when we do not forgive, we just harm ourselves and others… with this in mind, we can do the following exercise: 

Guided meditation on forgiveness

Close your eyes, relax your body, and focus on your breath. Calmly count your breath for 20 breaths. Breathe deeply and relax, calm your mind. Now, visualize on your left side the person you feel you love the most. Visualize them standing there. Check up how you feel about them. You may get a warm, happy feeling towards them. Understand that at any time their conditions may change and that this may cause them to say or do hurtful things to you, because of their conditions. Also, understand that you may know this person’s heart, and if they ever hurt or harm you, you will forgive them for this, because you know that they are just in bad circumstances. 

Let this sink in. Understand this. Confirm this. 

Now, visualize the person that harmed you on your right side. I want you to reconsider how you feel about this person that you have not forgiven. Think of their past, their circumstances, and their situations. We may not know their past, but imagine how sad it must have been, in order to lead them to these harmful actions. Think about how this person is just like you, just another human being, and how this person is actually suffering, and how this person is acting out of his own suffering and sadness. Think of how much suffering this person is going through, and how terrible it must be to be this person. 

Open your heart to compassion. Imagine being this person, with intentions driven by unhappiness and fears and suffering. How terrible and sad must this be? See this person, and understand that they were once a happy, loving, and innocent small baby. 

Then think of how hard conditions must have changed them. Knowing this, open your heart towards them. Feel compassionate and loving towards them. Think about this for a while, all the time visualizing this person. 

Now that you are at peace inside with this person, visualize yourself hugging this person. Hugging this person, and telling them that you understand why they acted in ways that caused you to feel harmed and that you forgive them for your judgment over their situation. Tell them that you are thankful for the opportunity they have granted you to learn forgiveness. Finally, wish them from your heart, to be at peace, happy, and healthy. Then, walk away from them with peace in your heart.

*(Guided meditation ends here)

Not only does forgiveness bring peace to ourselves, but it also brings peace to the person who we have forgiven. Think about this, nobody wants to walk around knowing that there is someone out there who hates them or who is not at peace with them. Also, it is important that we do not allow ourselves to live in the past, in memory. We are here and now, and it is important to live in the present. Whatever happened to us in the past, we should allow ourselves to learn from it, to make peace with it. Situations that we may see or feel to be ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ situations, reflect on them with the mentality we discussed above. Reconsider how we feel about others, and how we can actually be at peace when we act with understanding and compassion. Whenever challenging situations arise, act with wisdom and compassion. In the beginning, after reading this for the first time, it may not be easy for the reader to truly make peace, this will take a lot of time. Especially visualizing the person in question. At first, we may not be able to stand the idea of this person, we will be reluctant to make peace and forgive. 

Therefore, we can try to do this exercise daily, until we find true peace in our hearts. Remember, our own peace and happiness and the happiness of those around us are affected by this. There is no valid reason why we should feel too proud or too stubborn, in order to open our hearts and forgive. Forgive, love, allow others to be forgiven just as we would like to be forgiven. 

A quote on forgiveness by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.
"It would be much more constructive if people tried to understand their supposed enemies. Learning to forgive is much more useful than merely picking up a stone and throwing it at the object of one's anger. The more so when the provocation is extreme. For it is under the greatest adversity that there exists the greatest potential for doing good, both for oneself and others"